Thursday, August 19, 2010

You possess me

I sat down in my assigned aisle. The plane was half full. Good. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to only think of her, my Estie. I needed to concentrate completely just to get a fraction of the feeling I get when we're together.

The plane was half empty. That's too bad, I like having someone to talk to on long flights. Someone I can be close to. I don't like awkward old people conversations. They are usually about how much better things used to be, or what's wrong with their bodies. I guess the two are related. I looked for someone around my age. There he was. He was cute and there was such a feeling of calm around him. Maybe we can sleep in tomorrow morning. I always take the day I get back from a vacation off.

She's pretty. Not anything like my Estie but enough to be, distracting. I wish she was less attractive. I don't notice beautiful women as much as I used to. I don't want to, ever since Estie saved me and we became one heart. I hope this one won't talk much. I want to think just of Estie. Alone but with her at a distance.

He's handsome. Kind of like my last boyfriend (which may be why I like him). He feels completely different from Fred though. Fred had this angry, violent energy around him (which may be why I liked him). This guy is the opposite, an oasis of peace. I sat down next to him and smiled. I turned towards him and leaned forward. I wanted his attention.

"Hey there!"

What does she want? I had to acknowledge her, so I nodded.

"What's your name"

"I am Scott"

"Hiiiiiiii Scott"

A moment passed. Nothing was said.

I looked away and thought of Estie.

The more he ignored me, the more I wanted his attention. I'm still like this! No matter how far I go in life, I'm never going to grow all the way up. My sister, of all people, is past this. Whatever.

"My name is Liz. So, Scott, are you heading home?"

"Yes I, against my will, had to leave my Estie...."

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"She is my everything"

"I see"


"Well, I just got back from a little vay-cay"

Oh my God, did I really just say that? I'm such a douchebag. And if its one thing I know, its doucebags.

"How about you?"

"I had to go to a conference for work. I hate leaving my precious Estie"

I was hoping to drift away thinking about her but this one insists on talking to me.

I am aware how silly it is to get frustrated with a man who stubbornly insists on treating his woman the way I'd want him to treat me. Yet right now, in this moment we're living in, or was living in, I did not think of that. Sometimes, I just want something and am willing to suffer the consequences later. No matter what they grow into.

"You seem like a great guy"

I touched his hand. I wanted to make contact. A basic, easy, no pressure kind of touch. I wanted to ease into him in hopes he'd do the same to me ;-)

:-0 I felt it. A little flutter Her hand and then from within. Estie has my heart, my everything that makes me a man! But right here, right now, I remembered what it was to even look at an other. I'm a horrible, dirty, weak thing for having these feelings. Even if they are but a shadow, an echo of the nightmare I was before Esite. I can barely remember who I was and am better off for it.

"I'm sorry, Miss"


"I'm sorry Liz, but Estrella has my heart"

I've been shot down before but never so eloquently. Or consistently. What's with this guy?

What's with this girl? Maybe I need to show her. Once and for all.

"I'm not kidding"

"I know, you're faithful. That's a good thing...."

"You DON'T know, here, take a look"

I took her hand and put it under my shirt, guiding it upwards.

This guy is going from 0 to 50 in a second! I felt his skin. It was cold but warming up. We crept up until I was just under his left ribcage. There was a hole. Just that, a hole. I felt my hand sink into it.

Our roles were reversed. She penetrated me. I showed her where Estie left her mark. It was dry.

Real dry. I was expecting some sort of wetness.

Her hands grasped the nothing in my chest. So far as I know, my other organs are in place. Functioning. Keeping me alive. I'm not sure how it works.

This kind, sweet, handsome man had no heart. For real! I can see a joke coming a mile away and there was nothing funny about this.

I never showed this to anyone before. Besides Esite, of course. She is the one who made me this way. Who else could understand? Maybe a doctor but this, whatever it is, its not medical. Come to think of it, I haven't seen a doctor since Esite took my heart for safe keeping.

I slipped my hand from his chest. It was still dry. Okay. Okay. O-kayyyy. I'm not going to panic in a moving airplane. That would not work out for me. Okay. I've seen weird stuff before. Remember the "Closer" guy? That upside down asshole? Okay, okay. Ok. I've invested a lot of time in this, attempt, and I'm way past the point of no return.

"I kn..understan..ACCEPT that she literally has your heart. But, what about the rest of you?"

"I, I, I, don't...."

I'm going to put all my cards on the table. I never was a subtle kind of girl anyways.

"I felt you. You may be cold but I can warm you up. I do not think you are that opposed, physically at least, to spending some time with me. I'm not asking you for your heart. I don't even want your last name. I just a piece of you for a little while. I'll give it back when we're done"

She's not listening. She's right, but she does not understand. I do like her. I hate to admit it but I do. I love Estie more than anything but this woman right here is tempting. It's a good thing I cannot do anything about it. I better show her.

"Esite took another piece of me. She keeps that safe too"

I unzipped my jeans and showed her what else was not there. She did not say a word for the rest of the flight. We didn't say goodbye either. I hope I never see her again. Estie is the only one for me. She owns me.

Body and soul

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