Let's watch it again (Inc)

 I want to believe in time travel
That one day I'll come back for you.

 "Don't forget to finish watching Inside Job". Dave sneered at his TV. He hated getting homework from apps. He was just old enough to remember when they were called "Software". It was annoying but it wasn't at the forefront of his mind. It was a little after 10pm. He had a long day tomorrow. As a social worker, he was well acquainted with self-destruction. He had therapeutically advised against alcohol, harder drugs, unprotected sex, and the near universal-human tendency for the unhappy to lash out. Staying up too late watching one your ex's favorite shows should've been on that list too, despite the specificity.

He did like it, despite the sad vibes now attached to it. He had remembered hearing about before he started dating Shelia. It looked like yet another "Adult animation" algorithmically-generated show. She was a huge. She liked TV in general. She would watch a show she liked "At least three times". She had told him one day rewatching a show was like "Getting back together with old friends". His heart melted when he first heard that. Dave remembered his childhood was similar. He never really had a solid circle of friends until college. He remembered hearing in grad school the act of "cultivating gratitude". He kept that in mind when he thought about his friends today. Many men his age just plain didn't have friends.

Shelia was very close to her parents and big sister. She told him one day "Between my parents and my pets, I never really had time for friends". He was a little shocked to hear this because Shelia was so supportive and kind. It was the best romantic relationship he had ever had in his 38+ years. Until it just ended. Then restarted. Then ended again. 

The show that he used to both distract and maldaptively remind him of his ex girlfriend was about conspiracies. The main character, Reagan, was a 30 year old roboticist who worked for a central hub for conspiracies. The show diligently referenced dozens of "real" conspiracies. Everything from Bohemian Grove to hollow Earth was explored and satirized. He wound up liking the show way more than he thought he would. It started as something he did with Shelia because he wanted her to be happy. Over time, he started to enjoy it himself.

Dave was about 11 years older than Shelia, so there were a few times he felt a dumb need to point out that the real life references in the the show . He wondered if he had accidentally mansplained that to her. This behavior was something Dave was aware of but worried that he unintentionally engaged in. Dave was at a point in his life in which he assumed most women were smarter than him. He knew for a fact the average woman was a better driver than him! He also observed that most women were significantly more into sports than he was. He also knew this attitude was problematic it it's own way. 

His body wanted to sleep but his mind didn't. He had made a New Year's resolution to go to bed early each night with partial success. There were two episodes left. The first season had been split in half, with nearly a year between both halves. It was a little painful for Inside Job heads as the show had been greenlight for another season before the renewal being rescinded. It reminded him a little bit of the relationship itself. Shelia had ended it, then rescinded the break up, before breaking up again. All within about 3 weeks.  

    Do you want to watch again?

 

This was new. He had never seen this option before. Like right now, do I want to watch again what I just fucking saw? That was more her thing. She said she usually watched a show at least three times. They were her old friends after all. He imagined snuggling with her on a couch, decades from now. Old and happy together, he significantly more so, watching whatever she wanted to watch again for the umpteenth time. Both loving it. She didn't want children. He was ambivalent about it. Their shared passions would be their baby. It could've kept us together. Plenty of relationships were built on worse things. 

He took and swig and got up. Dave wasn't much a drinker but the past week had been an exception. He didn't really get drunk drunk. He just spaced out his $28 bottle of Mezcal each day to keep him feeling shitty. There was about 3 shots left in his Xicaru. He knew he would feel a small measure of relief when the bottle was empty. I'll wait another month and get another.

He clomped up the stairs. He ran the shower. It took a little while to heat up, so he clomped down the stairs again. There was enough time to pack and smoke a bowl. Back up the stairs he went again for a nice, indulgent shower. He read somewhere people who take too long showers are "touch starved". They make up for a lack of human contact in their life with hot water. This became one of those facts that seemed powerful and meaningful without any clear application to the knower's life. Dave got in and promptly sat down in the shower. He knew it was weird, shut up!

He had that feeling that you usually only start experiencing after the age of 28. He was tired and he knew that after a half night's sleep, he'd wake up  tired. There was enough alcohol in him to wake up him at the uncomfortably existential hours of 3, maybe 4am. He didn't really have anything to do the day after, it just felt like a bummer knowing it wouldn't be a full day. 

About 18 minutes later, he got out of the shower and went downstairs. Dave had never successfully grew a real beard, but knew the appeal of stubble. He remembered a client at work telling him "your facial hair grows in evenly. That must be nice". He did shave his. He knew neckbeard was both an attitude and a look he wanted to avoid. He took another long shower again. He wanted to get it right. He was excited to see Shelia again, despite the impossibility of doing it again. 

He drove to Farm to Table. It was right on the state road, which made the ride pleasant. His favorite college A Cappella station had ended it's decade long run, to the surprise of no one. He had found another one on a different app but it wasn't the same.

                                Do you want to watch again?

Was still on the screen. It hadn't even gone slightly dark, a screensaver function he was used to. Sure, whatever. I can't be in my head right now. The first episode was pretty good. Usually the first episode of animated series if awkward but they got it right. He picked up his Playstation 3 controller and pushed X. He liked that it still worked, despite being almost 15 years old. The only thing it could do was run Netflix, Youtube, and PS3 games of course. There was darkness. Nothing appeared on the TV. He waited. He waited. His neck felt sore. His chest hurt.

____________________________________________________________________________________

It was morning. He was sitting on the floor and looking at his plugged in cellphone. Good morning! I'm excited to meet you today! He was confused. Who's this? Why is it day already? I don't remember going to sleep. Dave felt pretty good. Well rested and not hungover. He did feel a little sweaty. Did I turn the heat up too much? It was the 2nd of January in a dry, bitterly cold winter. There wasn't even the wonder of snow flakes. He had nothing nice to look at during his work trips. Dave hated the snow like a true New Englander but he did miss looking at it. The trees were dead and barren, or at least they were...yesterday? Dave glanced out his window and saw that they were, in fact, fully leaved. 

He looked at the text msg again. It was Shelia. What was she talking about? Why does it say July 1st? He looked at the whole thread, there was only 8 texts, barely a scroll-downs worth. Shelia and Dave had texted constantly for most of the relationship, until it fell apart. He looked at the calendar. It said July 1st, 2022. That can't be right. He looked at his calendar reminders. It was function on his phone he used even more than texts or, uggh, gross, calls. Meet Shelia at Farm to Table, 1pm. That was our first date. That's when we met.

I'm excited to meet you too! He texted, sure of his action but not of the situation. He had about two hours before he had to leave. He packed a bowl on his coffee table that he was positive he had broken a few weeks ago and clomped upstairs. He had to shower and shave his neck. He knew the appeal of manicured stumble. He remembered one of his client's telling him "your facial hair grows evenly. That must be nice". David knew that being a neckbeard was an aesthetic and mindset he didn't want to have. He groomed himself and got into his car. His favorite A Capella station had shut down, much to the surprise of no one. He had found another one but it wasn't the same. It was a nice drive to Farm to Table. He got into the car, realized it was too hot for a long sleeve, felt the need to get out to take his button down off, then got back in and threw it in the backseat.

The heat made him a little nauseous. 80F was not that bad, by itself. Rather, Dave felt more acclimated to winter, the winter he swore he was in last night.  It would take a week or two, usually, for him to get used to the season. Dave was ready for the winter but his phone and the air was shouting summer. As person working in mental health, he felt his own decompensation would be inevitable. Am I going crazy? Was I really just one breakup away from Funky Town? He parked. He went inside. It was not too crowded. A good balance of people for a first date. Too many people make conversations impossible. Nothing kills romance like what or I'm sorry, can you say that again? over and over. Too few people tend to make dates a little too intense. 

"Can I get a table for two please?" The server lead him down the hall. By the time he turned around, she was right there behind. Shelia was short and curvy. She wore a red dress and she wore it very well. Shelia herself described her face as "boyish". Dave always thought she looked a little like Mike from the first season of Stranger Things. Her hair was black and curly at the ends. He looked at her and just paused.

"Nice to meet you Dave! I'm Shelia". Dave smiled. I'm just going to roll with this. If she wants to pretend we never broke up, whatever, fine. I'll do it. His own internal logic. His own frantic attempt to explain this couldn't account for why the season changed. Is she going to gaslight me into thinking it's summer? He didn't care. He was just so happy to see her again.

The conversation went nearly identical to what he remembered. The only variances he could think of came from him. They were distinctions without meaning. Dave wouldn't dare trying to change any response or statements. He didn't want to.  He spent weeks that felt like years wanting to go back 6 months. Somehow, he had, or maybe Shelia was willing to pretend it was. Again, this desolate narrative he was willing to run with just to feel better couldn't explain   yesterday being winter and today being summer. 

As the day went on, he cared about it less and less. Their second first date was winding to an end. It was time to go. He asked her if he could walk her to her car. She agreed, like she had last time. When they got there, she rushed in to kiss him like she did last time. Later that evening, he sent her a meme from her favorite video game Dragon Age. She loled, like she had last time. He went to bed, surprised to see his air conditioner back in the window. 

There was sharp pain, followed by a dull ache all over his body. He could feel icy rain on his check. It was foggy. He was about a quarter mile from Shelia's home. He was leaning slightly on top of the steering wheel. It was not a spot where a driver should be. It was a foggy, dark, rainy night but his own vision was spotty too. He thought he saw flashing blue and red lights. He felt something warm and wet as he tried to push off from the steering wheel. His body was not fully cooperating.

Dave sprung out of bed. It was still summer. He felt good. He didn't have that lingering chill he felt....yesterday? He remembered when he was a boy, his late maternal grandpa would tell him "when you get older, the winter gets in your bones". He went about his day. He lifted weights at a Planet Fitness. It was more enjoyable and quicker when he could just exercise and not troll through the dating apps. So, are we starting over or picking up where we left off? There was that uncomfortable ambiguity again. He liked uncertainty in his fiction, not in his life. Especially in his love life. He ended his workout on a treadmill. Dave got a lot of satisfaction about a long walk to nowhere. 

She texted him later that evening. What'chu doin'. The same thing she used to back when she was more... or first? interested in him. He left out his tiny terror over maybe losing my fucking mind! and said he was playing a video game. He was playing video game. One he swore he beat but his save file completion percentage said otherwise. 

The game was about a woman looking for her missing brother in a strange Federal Bureaucracy. The game was more odd than scary but was very unsettling. The monsters and the talking furnaces were creepy but what stuck with Dave was a poem. Sometimes the bad guys in the game would recite it while trying to kill her. Leave your insides by the door. 

We wait in the stains.

You have always been the new you. 

You want this to be true. 

They texted for a while. Dave didn't have a particularity great memory. Even before the pot. It was not photographic but it was very nostalgic. He remembered much of the beats and Shelia factoids she had shared before. She sent him a video of her cats, Simon and Marcy chasing after the more senior Mischief. She loved her pets. He liked her pets. He loved that she loved her pets. He scrolled through his phone to look for the picture of them together he loved but probably should've deleted by now but hadn't because he couldn't bear to. 

I like your pets. I can tell you take great care of them!

Thanks love :-) You're so sweet!

Dave couldn't remember if he had said that before...or now? Did it matter? Would it make a difference? He vaguely remembered Mischief dying around this time. Should I tell her? Will it make a difference or just creep her out? 

How's Mischief?

Is she going to tell me new? I don't remember if I asked her about him. I mean, I'm sure I asked her about her cats all the time but did I ask about Mischief at this day at this time?

His thoughts raced in a jumble of longing, relief, and worry over fucking it up again!

Am I changing the past or remembering it wrong?

The words pushed their way from his churning mind to his lips. It gave the impossible room to breathe. To be seen. 

He's a cranky old man but I love him to death!

She sent him a picture. He didn't look well.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So I think this is a nice place for you and I to have a picnic. Here's a picture

Just like last time, the best Google picture of Sweet's Knoll had someone's wacky, teetotaler Portuguese uncle hamming it up in front of the sign post.

Is that your dad?

Lol, no, that's just some guy on Google. What do you think of the park? It's open, easy to navigate, and right off route 138 near the police station. 

There was a pause. Was there a pause last time? Dave wondered if he had a tendency to make himself too quick to respond to texts. 

It looks great! Do you want to meet there Saturday around 1?

Dave remembered their 2nd date was a Saturday. Today...? was a Thursday evening but he didn't know if it was the same one he lived before. Dave had been living in this time warp, acting like nothing was different but absolutely screaming within.  He was vaguely aware of news and the little pebbles of work problems ahead of him but he wasn't focused enough to act on them. All he could think about was Shelia. This, 2nd?...chance consumed him. Everything else was going through the motions as exactly as last time as he could recall. He was terrified of popping this little impossible bubble.

Sounds good! I'll pick up some snacks Saturday and see you then!

Okay! Bring your swimsuit ;-)

:-)

Dave smiled. He remembered how this picnic unfolded.

___________________________________________________________-

It was dark and cold. Did time switch back? He felt the pain in his chest again. There were "floaties" in the distance. The blue and cherry lights were crowding his vision.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dave woke up again. He felt hot with a damp film on his chest. It definitely felt like July. He forgot to put his AC on last night before he went to bed. He got up, turned it on, and flopped back into bed. It was a comfortable half hour in the fog of half awake and asleep. His eyes darted open again. He knew there was no chance to return and got out of bed. 

He drank half an iced coffee from Cumberland farms he purchased the day before. Iced coffee was an all year sort of thing but days like today felt particularly suited for it. He lounged for a few moments before his stomach awoke. Dave liked doing his bio-business as soon as he woke up so the rest of the day felt more self-determined. He debated on the merits a full shave before deciding on 2 days of stubble and a fresh neck. Dave wondered if he would've been married years ago if he knew how off putting neck beards were.

He swung by the Stop & Shop on his way to the park. Shelia was a vegetarian with a sweet tooth. He picked up berries, humus, water, pita, and chocolates. It felt like enough. He remembered neither himself or her tatting much that day. At least at the park. They managed to work up an appetite later that day. He loaded up his goods and drove to Sweet's Knoll. He wondered if his algorithm suggested music was different this time around. 

This place is nice!

It's my favorite park. I come here all the time.

He unloaded the snacks and slung them over his should. She bounced up to him. He put his hand on her waist and kissed her. I missed this. It feels so good. This was when she liked the way he touched her. They walked into the forest. 

They walked into the forest alongside the old rail line. Trees now grew inbetween the planks like there was no hard feelings. The branches loomed overheard. The knoll was a small park. It was the sort of place you'd assume was just someone's backyard by the way it looked. Take a couple steps and it opens up to a woodsy loop, a river, and a foothill. It was the sort of place Dave would go to year 'round. 

 Here we are! We can put our stuff down on the bridge.

The abandoned track was broke up by a bridge. There was a 3 foot gap that could be crossed by balancing on the floating wooden plank. The perfect level of risk/reward for a teen. Dave and Shelia plopped down on a stone crevice. Dave took a few steps to the side and started changing into his bathing suit. For the...second? time, he left his bathing suit in the cooler and not his backpack. Both and future times, Shelia would joke about this in bed. It was bold. I liked it. 

She was in a black two piece. Dave tried to not gawk. He remembered liking her profile picture. She was cute and curvy. He eased himself into the water. It was cool and murky, but warming than you'd think. She hopped in as well. They swam around each other. They chatted. 

He remembered what she did..last? time. He knew he just had to look away for a little bit. She needed time to "suprise him". He knew what was coming but it still felt fresh. Exciting. A novelty impossibly fused with nostalgia. With yearning. He turned around and looked at the houses near the shore. He wondered if they were nice enough to be worth it. He turned around.

She took her top off. Dave remebered the first? time. She looked like naked what he imagined she'd look like. Better. Even the second first?time It was still amazing. Your top is off. I know. He drifted towards her. He put his hand on her waist and drew her close. Her bare chest rested on his. She closed her eyes as her cheeks flushed.

Let's go back to my place.

This time, he texted her his address when they got to the parking lot, instead as soon as he dried off. He remembered her saying that was weird the first time?.  

They went upstairs right away. The first? time Dave didn't catch her slipping out of her clothes. He didn't want to miss out. They rolled around in his king sized bed, a gift from another one that got away. Dave probably would've thought to get something that big for himself. He usually slept alone.

He put his hands on her waist and kissed her. He slowly guided his hands up her sides. He undid the strap and pulled her in.

It was seeing her take off her clothes. This was