Monday, October 26, 2009
January 24th, 1999
My therapist says I should start writing my musings down so I can "reflect". I really do not want to. Once I have a thought, I'd like to let it go on its way. If it stays any longer its just going to bore me. I'm only 13, but I'm very jaded. I can't be excited by silly mortal pleasures. Not that I hate humans, I just wish I did not have to live amongst them. Surprised? I bet you thought I was just a girl.
If you had a face, it would be like that. For I say this not out of vanity or "delusion" but in an attempt to make things crystal between us. Believe this revelation; I am one of the Fair Folk. Fairy, Pixie, Gnome, call me what you will (we have many names). Yet at the moment, alas, I am trapped in the form and limitations of a chubby 13-year old human girl. Living in the mundane middle of mopey, marginal, magic-less, A'merica. How can people like this place, this world? All the Asians and Indian-Indians I dine with tell me about how great this place is. How far they traveled just for a job and a safe place to live. How sadly small their dreams are. When I regain my powers, the first place I'm going to is my favorite curry shop. I'll pay them all back for the tips I wish I could have left and the company they gave me.
I had another crappy day at school again. Claire called me "Fatula" again and I ate tuna on a hot dog bun, again. Again, again, AGAIN, its the same drab mortal life each and everyday! I hate Claire so much. I wish she was as nice as Sylvia. Why can't she babysit her own sister anyways? Is she that much of a bitch? Not that I'm complaining.
I hate the food here, its so awful. My palette deserves something more refined. Less than a hundred years ago, I was feasting on manna and meat from fantastic beasts. Shelly and I hung out for a little while after school. She's so great. She is my only mortal friend (besides Slyvia but that won't be for too long:-).
I had some friends before her but they stopped hanging out with me when I told them about my special heritage. For a while I sorta gave up and tried to keep it in. Tried to live like everyone else. It made me even more depressed than I am now. I can make it through the day as long as I keep thinking about the future. Keep thinking about how wonderful and beautiful I will become once again. Once I get my glamor back and transform. Reform, back, to who I am supposed to be.
All my friends were on board at first, until they betrayed me. I wonder why? They didn't have problems with it when we were younger. I would be okay with them not believing me (their just jealous) but soon they started making fun of me. Then they stopped being my friends at all! They can't even imagine! It hurt a lot but soon after I met Shelly. We do not talk about it much, but I know she believes me. She doesn't have to say it, I just know. Plus she understands why I can't always be around for movies, going to the mall, or just hanging out. On specific alignments of the moon, planets, and stars at night, I need to be out in woods. Searching for my kinfolk and looking for my lost powers.
February 3, 1999
No.. I can do better.
You just can't win some people over, mortals are limited that way. My therapist says I should write more about "real world stuff" in you and "reality test". That's funny because if reality has a test than I think its failed. He says it will help me with my "delusions", whatever he is just one of the Autumn people. Did you see that doctor? I just called you one of the worst names a True Fae can call a mortal. How do you like that?
I show it to him (YOU!!!) and he tells me I'm not "making the best use of it". Its bad enough to be a drab mortal but one who actively tries to make things more boring and less glamorous? Unbelievable. If only I could show him the things I've seen and the places I've been. It would blow his mind. He can't even imagine.
I babysat Slyvia today. We had a great time like we always do. Shelly is great and all and I can talk to her about stuff I can't with Slyvia but she is not always on board. Sometimes I think she does not support me in my quest, no GEAS to ascend back into the ranks of the Fair Folk. At my worst moments I wonder if she even believes me anymore! Slyvia does. I suspect she may be a reverse Changeling like myself. I bet if I can awaken her it will happen to me too. I will make a glorious return to the Seelee court with my true best friend. I'll leave this slow and fat body behind for something with grace. I'll hold the stars themselves in my silhouette and I will be happy forever.
March 12th 1999:
"Dear" Sad soggy scraps of failures:
I have not bestowed any of my events into you, diary, for a while. Things have been tough and my counselor's quiet judgment doesn't help. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? HERE IT IS! A DAY TO DAY DOCUMENTATION OF HOW FAR I'VE FALLEN! FROM DEPTHS YOU COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE!
Shelly doesn't want to be my friend, my consort anymore! She says my elf thing (WRONG!) is too much. She can't take it anymore and would rather spend time with "normal people". Well forget her and forget them. Sylvia was and IS a better friend!
She's starting to realize that she's different like me too! She's almost six but she's already grasping the concept of a GLAMOR transformation too! I hope its powerful enough to bring me along with her. I cannot stand this world anymore! And no doctor, that doesn't mean I want to kill myself. I want the opposite; to live, LIVE in a way YOU CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE!.
Look upon and remember my words, for you will find nary a trace of me:
I was going to wait. I really was. But that insanity in Colorado has made things even more impossible to bear. Everyone who is just a little different (and I'm very different, very SPECIAL so you cannot come close to imagining how hard this is) is a psycho murder or something! Its everybody I could at least STAND who's getting suspicious eyes from the grown ups and even more SHIT from everyone else! The Goths, and the Punks, and the people who like those stupid video games, and the drama kids. Anyone who isn't pretty or athletic getting their ass kicked while at the same time feared for being violent! Its another stupid piece of stupid HUMAN society and I can't stand it!
Shelly is hanging out with Claire now. Of COURSE she'd do that TO ME! Of all the people she could replace me with IT WAS HER! The last straw for this whole mess was three days ago. Claire was making fun of me and of course, Shelly and all her fellow bitches were there too. Joining in and laughing at each others "wit". I thought maybe for a second, Shelly would remember all the kind of good years we had together. It wasn't as great as my old life but I still had fun with her. And I THOUGHT she did too! I asked her to defend me just a little bit. To let them know that even though I'm ugly, and dumpy, and not very good at mortal stuff at least I'm not violent. At least I'm not a KILLER! But she said "I don't know, maybe you will go crazy and shoot us with your faerie guns!" They laughed even harder than I ever heard them before at that one. I tried to leave before I started crying. I tried hard too.
So I called up Sylvia's mom after I got home and asked if I could babysit her. I even offered to pay her for it (I won't be needing money any more soon) and she laughed but said yes. I told Slyvia what happened and she gave me a hug and made me feel a little better. But it was not enough. I stressed to her how dire it was for this to happen, for both of us to change before the despair got to me and made me a Grump, an Autumn person forever. She looked a little scared but agreed. So I dropped her off last Friday.
This wasn't just for her or me, it was for EVERYBODY! Everybody who'd rather spend time in a story, or a play, or in a song, or a game, math problem, movie, comic book, whatever. When the world we live in is so cold, and dry, and gray, and UNFAIR that anything is better! Where people starve and kill and HURT each other! Where everybody is going to get old and sick and dead! Where we can only be a FRACTION OF WHO WE WANT TO BE! HOW DARE YOU BLAME US FOR SPENDING TIME SOMEWHERE BETTER! ANYWHERE BUT HERE! I feel a little sorry for them though, because I'm onto something real. Something they CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE!
We ran deep into the woods until we could hear no car or see no path marker. I found the perfect stone alter , just waiting to be the door into the fantastic! I think she wants this more than I do because she thought of something I didn't. What if she gets bored? What if she gets tempted to walk away after a few days. She was wise, wise beyond her years to not trust herself. Becoming a True Fae is hard. Specifically in this soul sucking modern "world". She was a little too big for the bonnet but we managed to get her inside it anyways. I found an old camping tarp and put it on top of most of her. I found the four biggest rocks I could carry and placed them gently on top of her, to keep her in place. She didn't complain about the weight but I could tell it hurt her a little. I kissed her goodbye and ran home.
I convinced her mom she was sleeping at my house and my mom the opposite. They are starting to get suspicious but I just have to hold out a little longer. Any minute the Changelings and Fairfolk will take her in and awaken her true essence. I'll know when this happens instantly because it will happen to me too! Things will be better than anything possible in the "real world". You cannot even imagine...
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